A HazMat Fable

For years I had been stewing over the fact that I can no longer buy oil-based deck stain due to environmental concerns over its manufacture. The regulations were a Clinton-era initiative (1998), and resulted in the replacement water-borne products being entirely unsatisfactory. I decided to vent my frustration in a little humor. This one is dedicated to the one or two Victor “Vivian” Stanshall fans still standing.

One day while eating lunch at a machine shop in Connecticut, I accidentally got mayonnaise all over my hands. Well-informed about the chemical stew that is modern mayonnaise, I immediately reported the contamination to my supervisor, Ron Shirt. Deep in conversation with another supervisor, Ron was distracted and dropped the mayo-smeared plastic wrap onto the shop floor. Justifiably concerned about the dangers of modern mayonnaise, the dismayed Ron declared a Hazardous Materials emergency, cordoned off the area, and broke out the spill response kit. Ever the perfectionist, after properly disposing of the chemical containment materials, Ron pulled out his razor knife and completely removed the rubberized shop-floor matting.

“That’ll fix it,” thought Ron, but he was wrong.*

Even more acutely aware of the hazards of modern mayonnaise than either Ron or myself, the Connecticut State Attorney General’s office – suspecting criminal intent and having recently adopted Sharia law at the direction of the Obama White House – declared that all of the fingers on my felonious right hand would have to be amputated. I never learned what they had in store for Ron because I had long since relocated to Canada, where I heard Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise is still available.

*Only the rare Bonzo Dog Band fan will recognize this quote from Ron Shirt’s back-story. http://lyrics.wikia.com/wiki/The_Bonzo_Dog_Doo-Dah_Band:Rhinocratic_Oaths

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